Hi. Shalom. Gutentagen. Aloha.
I have been to the depths of my own personal hell and back. For some reason, Tina believes that my experience and wisdom could help others. If I can make only one person feel like they aren't alone in their struggles, then I have succeeded.
I am the proud age of 32. I have 2.5 sons. How the hell does someone have half of a child? Well let me tell you, I have two sons that came out of my womb and one son that came from a different human aka my stepson. My oldest is 12; for the sake of privacy, let's call him Jerkface. My second son is 10 and autistic. We shall refer to him as Butthead. Then my stepson will be 6 in about 2 weeks. He will be affectionately named BoogerBreath.
32 and 2.5 kiddos. How in the hell did I manage that? Well let me tell you. I married my sons' father, lets call him X, at the age of 19. He was in the military and my home life turned from being "just" dysfunctional to a seriously unlivable situation. Ten days after our courthouse nuptials, I found out I was pregnant. It wasn't planned, but it wasn't unplanned. We figured we were getting married, so whatever happens will happen. Needless to say I was shocked to be pregnant so quickly. Let's skip ahead past the horrible postpartum psychosis that was misdiagnosed as bipolar, the beginning of my self loathing, and denial of our marriage being toxic to the moment I found out I was pregnant with my second son. It was completely unplanned and shocking since I was switching birth control. I had the flu after "Jerkface" had the flu and a respiratory virus. X guilt tripped me into giving into his husbandly needs (told you toxic relationship) and I ended up with my "Butthead". Fear was the only thing I felt for the first several months while X was so excited. The only thing that settled me was knowing it was a boy, so I didn't have to buy too much stuff. Once he came into the world, my whole view changed. I loved him more than anything. He made me appreciate the little things especially once his autism came to the surface. I wouldn't change him for the world.
I stayed married to X for over ten years. We were officially divorced after 11 total years of marriage. Ten years is a hell of a long time. You must be asking yourself, well there must have been good times. They say marriages are full of ups and downs, which I can honestly say is true after being married for this second time. As for marriage with X, I would say our marriage was a never ending downhill slope after about a month or two. When you get divorced and go for child custody meditation, they do a prescreening. One of the questions asked is "When did your marriage start failing?" I sat there and without a beat my response was "Before it started, but if it must be after we were married then after the first month or so." It was the first time I ever admitted how bad it truly was to myself and out loud. You would think I started crying or it was a moment of weakness for me. Actually, it was a moment of empowerment. I was taking action and accepting the fact that it took both of us to destroy the "perfect life". Prior to that, I felt guilty like I was to blame for everything.
It takes two to tango, it takes two to say I do, it takes two to fight for it, and it takes two to destroy it.
Going through a divorce is not for the weak of heart, but it is easier than staying in an unhealthy setting. You will hurt. Your children will hurt. There will be anger, anxiety, depression, grieving, etc. On the other hand, there will be empowerment, growth, resilience, independence, and so much more which will change you for the better. The biggest thing you'll ever take away is the amount of self growth and coming to terms with who you are as a person. No one will ever be able to take those things away from you once you reach the other side. Looking back on it now since I am the honorary Queen of Hindsight, I would've gotten divorced much earlier when the idea first came to me before Jerkface was even born. The divorce, the marriage, and the children definitely didn't make me the person I am today, but they did teach me many valuable lessons.
With all that being said, two years after being officially divorced from X. I married my cousin's best friend, a man I have known since I was eleven. I had the BIGGEST crush on him when I was younger and thought he hated me with the way he bullied me. A man that saw me at my best, my youngest, my worst, my ugliest. A man who knows me better than I know myself and hasn't just memorized facts about me. An example is he memorized my go to order from McDonald's. He knows when I'm joking it's a defense mechanism for my crippling anxiety. I married Stud after X told me multiple times for many years that no one could ever love someone like me and no one would ever take on the task of living with my children. X was wrong.
Now I have the white picket fence life with our three boys whom have never had a more ideal life where we thrive to be the best examples of adults they should grow up to be. The three of them are in an environment where screaming matches do not occur unless it is a who can sing the loudest in the car. They have a home and not just a house. They are all surrounded by love and not just in our home, but in their other parents' home as well. I am friends with X's fiancee. I tell her all the time that if anything happens between them, then she is to become their father. I am friends with Stud's ex-wife. It took her awhile to realize I am not an enemy, but rather a teammate while her and Stud are the co-captains.
That is my life to date in a nutshell. I hope you can find some part that you can relate to and see where my "wisdom" comes from. When my future blogs about my past, mental illness, motivations, advice etc. seem intense, it because I wish for only one person to walk away with the hopes and dreams of having their ideal life and achieving it.
Thanks for reading
Michelle