Tattooed, Tested, and Touring: When It Goes Public

There’s a weird kind of heartbreak that comes with living even a semi-public life.

Not the obvious kind. Not the strangers on the internet who have opinions about you without ever meeting you. That part? You almost sign up for it. You learn to build some kind of callus. You expect it. I say this as someone who still constantly gets hurt by comments even from strangers but I am able to recover easier.

But this time? This is different.

This is someone who knew me....choosing to talk about me somewhere like Reddit instead of just talking to me. And that one hit deeper than I expected.

Because it’s not really about Reddit. It’s about what it represents. It’s the decision to go public instead of reaching out and having a one on one. It’s choosing distance over connection. It’s deciding I’m safer to talk about than to talk with. I work incredibly hard to being open in my communication. I work hard at taking criticism and working on finding a solution. I believe in putting in the work. I believe in constantly wanting to grow.

And that…that kind of shit sits heavy.

I’ve been carrying it around like a brick in my chest. Replaying it. Wondering what I missed. Wondering if I deserved it. Wondering if this is just part of the deal when your life and your work blur together in public spaces.

I go back and forth a lot lately on whether this life is even for me. Because I hate this part of it.

I hate the feeling that anything, any misunderstanding, any falling out, any moment of hurt can become content. Can become commentary. Can become something people pick apart who don’t know me, don’t know them, don’t know the truth but still get a say.

And if I’m being really honest…

I don’t think I want to be seen like this anymore. Not like this. I’ve started thinking, seriously thinking, about what it would look like to disappear a little. Not disappear from the work. Not disappear from caring. But disappear from the spotlight of it all. Since that was NEVER my intention of wanting to make a difference.

To build something quieter. To help without being a name attached to it. To show up without being watched. To do good without it becoming something people feel entitled to critique, dissect, or weaponize.

Because this version of being “visible”? It doesn’t feel powerful. It feels exposed. I often feel naked and that should not be the case because I just want to help. It feels like pieces of me are constantly up for discussion. Like my intentions, my relationships, my character can be turned into a thread, a headline, a debate.

And I don’t think I signed up for that part. Or maybe I did…I’m just realizing I don’t want it anymore. I want a version of this life where I can breathe. A version of this life where I feel lighter and maybe can enjoy life a little more without being chastised for wanting to enjoy life. Where I can do the work that matters: help people, build community, give a shit. Without feeling like I’m sacrificing parts of myself just to keep it going.

I don’t know what that shift looks like yet. But I know the thought of stepping back: of being less known, less visible, less accessible, feels more peaceful than this. And that says something. I don’t want this to make me bitter and it honestly is starting to feel that way.

I don’t want to lose the part of me that believes in direct conversations. In giving people the chance to be heard. In working through things instead of performing them for an audience. And even with all of this sitting heavy in my chest, I still mean this: I hope they find what they’re looking for.

I hope they find peace. I hope they find people who make them feel supported and understood. I hope their life becomes a positive force, not just for themselves, but for the people around them.

Because despite everything, I don’t actually want anyone to hurt the way this hurt. I wish the accessibility to my emotions were like getting in to Club 33 at Disney instead of free all access.

Here is to working towards something and know that I wish we could have just talked this out.

-Tina